Drink A Beer
by SpiritedObsession
Summary: You've been wandering for years now. You realize now why Mihawk was alone and why he was so hard to find most of the time. You then think he must've been lonely even if he seemed the type to keep to himself. You don't know what you'd have done if you'd never met Luffy and the rest. Fic to the song of the same title by Luke Bryan. Second-person POV. ANGST ANGST ANGST! One-shot.


**A/N: WARNING WARNING WARNING! ANGST DOWN BELOW! No, for real. There is no fluff. There's only the hurt in the hurt/comfort. I recommend you have a tub of ice cream, a box of tissues, and this song playing in the background for the full angst effect. No joke. It is THAT sad.**

**chances are, the next songfic I write will be "say something I'm giving up on you".**

**but, for now, without further ado, I give you:**

**Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan.**

**I DO NOT OWN ONE PIECE OR THE SONG, ALL RIGHTS GO TO THEIR PROPER OWNERS.**

**(The little saying beneath this is just a thought that popped in my head as I wrote this and shares no relationship with the story or song)**

* * *

You don't know true pain until you've given up the love of your life to someone else.

* * *

You've been wandering for years now. You realize now why Mihawk was alone and why he was so hard to find most of the time. You then think he must've been lonely even if he seemed the type to keep to himself. You don't know what you'd have done if you'd never met Luffy and the rest.

You saw Usopp and Kaya get married a couple of years ago and the last you'd heard, Kaya was pregnant. Nami, Chopper, Brook, Robin, Franky, and Luffy had been voyaging the routes on the Grand Line they hadn't followed the first time around. Though, the cyborg did return to Water 7 once to reconcile with Iceburg. That skeleton had also met up with Baboon, who had followed the Pirate King's crew.

You wish things were still like that.

Sometimes you lose yourself in the memories when you meditate, because while you know you should be over it by now, you'll never be over it and you still find some way to blame yourself, despite the fact you know how much Sanji blames himself more.

It was just the (technically) four of you now. It's irrational, but you've come to hate the number four.

As a wanderer, you've taken to visiting your nakama, but since they all live in different places it takes a while. Usually, you hang around The Blue Bar and Grill the most because Sanji and Brook are both there, and the bar is stocked with all the saké and beer you like best. You've never thought about why before, but now you do.

You always make the effort to go see Vivi and Usopp when they call. You're visiting Usopp this time around. You hear the kid looks just like Kaya, but acts exactly like the long nose. The visit is fun. You and the liar catch up and you get to hear a kid call you "uncle"; you get to see Usopp in love and happy, and you wish you hadn't given up on love all those years ago.

You're talking to Usopp when Kaya emerges from the house in tears. She's got a hand over her mouth and she looks positively heartbroken. A feeling of dread is curling in your gut and suddenly today has become a whole lot darker.

"Zoro," Kaya sobs, "it's for you."

_~When I got the news today~_

You're afraid to take the snail phone from her. But you do. "Hello?"

["Zoro-san..."] It's Brook, so you wonder why Kaya would be crying.

"What is it?"

["...Zoro-san..."]

If you listen closely enough you can tell that the musician's voice is unsteady and that he is very emotional. There's also a faint quiver that suggests the skeleton might have been crying.

"What's wrong, Brook?" You hear the musician break down and see the snail's tears flooding out as a representation of the skeleton's appearance.

"Brook?" You would really like to know what's going on now.

["I-it's Sanji..."] the musician bawls. The ominous feeling returns with a vengeance and you steel yourself unknowingly. ["H-he... The restaurant... It's terrible... Th-they DESTROYED it-and, and, Sanji-san was-! He was still-"] A soul-breaking sob came over the snail and you feel a deep pain resound in your chest. ["They burned it to the ground...! Sanji-san... Sanji-san was still inside-"]

_~I didn't know what to say_

_So I just hung up the phone~_

Usopp had heard most of it, he'd even seen your stoic expression completely fall to pieces, for the first time, into an emotion he never thought he'd see on your face. The sharpshooter takes the snail from you quickly and calls Brook back. They both start talking about a funeral. They're making the plans, but you just tune them out.

Everything around you seems grey, dull, and colorless. You feel so numb that no sound registers. You're no better than a zombie right now. Usopp drags your ass on to a boat and you both make the journey to where Sanji's restaurant was on Seashell Isle. It'll take a while, but now that you know the shortcut it takes half as long as it did the first time.

You're a simple guy, so you don't usually think too hard about things, but this is definitely one thing that'd make you take pause for a while. By the time you and Usopp arrive at the island archipelago of All Blue, Vivi is already there waiting for you. She's dressed in a full length black gown and a fishnet black veil. She is not smiling when she greets you and the long nose.

Vivi leads you to a church and there you sit and talk about what kind of burial they're going to do. There's a shadow over your face when you pound your fist on the top of a pew. The three stare at you in mild shock.

"Sanji..." The name is bitter in your mouth and you hate the sound it makes coming out.

That idiot would've teased you for weeks for having called him by his name. You wonder, briefly, if he'd have liked it.

"Sanji... Would want to go the way the others did," you say without letting them notice how much you're trying to keep your voice from shaking, "he'd want a gravestone overlooking the ocean so those who are left behind can visit, but he'd want to be cremated and have the ashes thrown into the ocean so he could be apart of it..." You don't want to think about why you know that's what he'd want, but the others nod and seem to realize that that would be just like Sanji to want that.

They continue talking about it, about how he'd want it to be a celebration and not something sad. You can't listen to it anymore.

_~I took a walk to clear my head,~_

You get up and you walk out of the church. You don't care where you're going, but you know that for once, you'd like to get lost.

_~This is where the walking led~_

You finally come to a stop at the top of a hill and find a bench and a large oak tree that you remember seeing Sanji plant right next to the bench. So that'd there be shade, he'd said. The bench was new, though, he must have put it there not long after Zoro began the long journey to see Usopp.

_~Can't believe you're really gone~_

It felt like just the other day that you two were wrestling and bickering just like you were 19 again. You take a few more steps and stop just before the edge of the pier. You don't want to sit on the bench, but you don't wanna stand either.

_~Don't feel like going home~_

You sigh long and deep and think that if Sanji were standing here he'd be smoking a cigarette, with one side of his face still covered. Old habits always died hard with that stubborn fool.

You chuckle hollowly and feel your heart ache. You fall to your knees and let the stoic mask slip off your face. No one can see you now, so it's okay to be weak. You don't need to be strong; you don't feel like being tough.

_~So I'm gonna sit right here _

_On the edge of this pier~_

You stare out at the horizon and don't move for what seems like ages. Your legs are hanging over the side of the pier and you think about when you and Sanji first found this place.

The color of the sky is changing and you think you realize now why this was the cook's favorite spot on the entire island.

_~Watch the sunset disappear~_

It's beautiful and you watch it until the sun is gone and the sky begins to darken further. A little light pops on and you realize Sanji must have put that there too, Franky had probably influenced him to try cool new technology like automated lights. the shipwright would have wanted to rip the whole thing apart to find out how it worked, and Usopp would have helped him.

You put your hands out to recline and realize you'd been holding a beer bottle the entire time. You smile, but it doesn't reach your eyes. Usopp must have given it to you, hoping it'd cheer you up. It's done the opposite, in fact. There's only one brand of beer you and Sanji both like and you're holding it.

On nice, cool days when you were on this island you often found Sanji relaxing in the grass right here. After the third time you found him there, you brought beer with you and decided to join him.

_~And drink a beer~_

After the Thousand Sunny disappeared with most of the crew, you and him have grown closer and more understanding of each other. Nami would say they've grown up and finally got their heads out of their asses. You and he talked about Merry and the adventures; the fun times, the hard times, and just the plain ol' good times.

You two haven't talked that much with all the time you've known each other combined. You talk about Luffy and the rest and what they'd be doing now if they weren't...

...Gone.

When Brook found them he'd told them what happened and since then he has not spoken, he has not sang, and he refuses to go anywhere near his precious violin. He'd chosen to stay with Sanji and help around with the miscellaneous things.

Brook will probably take care of the restaurant now, since the cook can't anymore.

_~Funny how the good ones go _

_Too soon, but the good Lord knows _

_The reasons why, I guess~_

For a minute you feel anger, hurt, and pain. You don't want Usopp, you, Vivi, and Brook to be the last ones left. You don't want any of this. You're stuck in the worst possible way, and you know it.

There's no dream to burden yourself with or carry on, and because you don't handle loss well, it means you don't know what to do with yourself. You feel sorry for yourself; it makes you feel like a kid again and you hate it.

You hate feeling sorry for yourself and you hate feeling hopeless. Luffy has made you believe in the un-winnable, so this mindset now is foreign to you. And you hate it with your entire being.

_~Sometimes the greater plan _

_Is kinda hard to understand _

_Right now it don't make sense_

_ I can't make it all make sense~_

Though, as sorry as you feel for yourself you feel even worse for Brook who had to watch the Thousand Sunny and all that were on it sink to the bottom of the ocean.

It feels like your heart is freezing over and like the very fire of your existence is being blown out. You don't want to imagine how Brook feels. You really don't want to do anything.

_~So I'm gonna sit right here~_

You smile as you remember times long past. You chuckle slightly to yourself when you recall how you two used to be when you were younger and your situation wasn't as depressing.

_~On the edge of this pier~_

You take a sip of the beer and that's when it dawns on you. Sanji had always kept the bar stocked with things you liked; had started treating you kinder after your nakama died and you two were the only ones nearby, besides Brook who didn't want to speak to anybody.

You hate being introspective, but you know that something needs to be said out in the open wind where Sanji's memory is. Here, where his presence is strongest.

_~Watch the sunset disappear~_

You just haven't figured out what it was that you wanted to say; to get it out. It has something to do with this god awful sense of regret you feel swirling around inside you blowin' up dust like a windmill.

_~And drink a beer~_

You don't like regret. Sanji would have kicked your ass for behaving this way, though you wish he'd hug-

Wait, what?

That can't be right. You didn't just think about the cook hugging you. The cook only hugged Chopper, which had always made you jealous-

...

_~So long my friend~_

You laugh. It sounds crazy and bitter to you and has the weird effect of making salt water run down your face. Your hysterical chuckles cease and you just hunch over miserably because it's finally hit you square in the face.

You'd realized it once before, long ago during Thriller Bark. But in the midst of adrenaline and worry you sent the epiphany into the deepest recesses of your mind to ponder over later when you didn't have a battle to concern yourself with.

It makes sense now. Why you always said you'd given up on love. It's because in those few seconds you watched Sanji try and sacrifice himself for you, you already knew that things wouldn't work out. The cook was very obviously straight, and even if there was some semblance of being bi in the cook's nature, you wouldn't know it because you'd never told him. You didn't give him a chance to say that it wasn't your place to decide if things worked out or not.

Now you'll never know.

You suspect that, perhaps, Sanji may have loved you if the way he'd acted towards you after your nakama died was any clue. You wish you'd said something. You wish you'd cleared the air a long time ago.

_~Until we meet again~_

But if wishers were horses, then beggars would ride. And you're no beggar. You dwelling on this for hours is so unlike you to begin with. You don't need to add wishes on top of it. Which is something Thriller Bark also taught you: the dead should stay that way.

A haunting sound comes out of your mouth. You realize it was a cross between a sob and a laugh. You haven't made that sound since Kuina.

The beer bottle is empty.

You stand up and begin walking back to the little house Sanji had had Franky build for him. You know the others won't be there. They'd be back at the hotel, waiting for you. You know they'll get the hint in another hour or two, though.

You approach the simple house and make your way over to the lantern that is hanging next to the door. The spare key is still inside. You put the key inside the lock, but hesitate.

This... This will probably be harder to handle inside this place. You turn the key and the door swings open.

It smells like him. You knew it would. You just didn't know it'd hurt this badly.

_~I'll remember you~_

You look around at all the furniture. The too big table that seats too many, the industrial sized appliances that'd feed too many, the large couch and TV that rarely saw any use, the desk you always saw him in; you don't want to go into the bedroom.

So, instead, like an idiot, you sit at his desk. For a while you just sit. And sit, and sit.

Thoughts tumble around your head about what a future would have been like with him had feelings been mutual and you'd been man enough to tell him.

You'd be in this house with a couple of kids that maybe you weren't really blood-related to, but you still would have loved them and spoiled them rotten nonetheless. You'd have taught them swordsmanship, and Sanji would have taught them the Blackleg style.

The kids probably would have been trouble makers too. You smile softly and a tenderness reaches your eyes.

_~... sit right here on the edge of this pier~_

Your heart aches. God, you loved that cryptic, sarcastic bastard for all he was worth.

Damn. You loved him.

You're brought out of your musings by a few pieces of paper sticking out of the drawer. It's out of place, if anything, and it confuses you. So, like the curious long-nose, you investigate.

As you read them, the letters, you wish you hadn't.

You finish reading the last one and you slump in your chair, feeling more heartbroken than you'd started out as.

God dammit!

If only...

Your arm falls limp and the paper falls from your hand. You should never have come here.

_~And watch the sunset disappear~_

Tears mist in your eyes and cloud your vision. You are miserable, heartbroken, and nothing to keep you going. You start to see why some people commit suicide.

It's not because they're weak or that because whatever it was was bad... It's because they just couldn't cope with it. They were trapped in a corner with no way out, nowhere to go, and no reason to stay.

You think Luffy- hell all of them would have killed you if they knew you were thinking like this, but you don't care. You just want Sanji back.

You want to tell him that you're sorry for being such a thick, barbaric, marimo, muscle head.

You want to lean in close and tell him that you're sorry you hadn't done this sooner; hadn't said something a hell of a long time ago. You want to whisper in his ear that you'd love to hear him say your name, and you hope to god he wants you to say his.

You want to hear him scream out in pleasure when you're making love to him. You'd even be willing to let Sanji top, since you respect the nitwit so damn much. You think the cook would make you harder than you'd ever been in your whole life. You wish you could hear his groggy, sleep-deprived, satiated voice after a long night of hot, passionate sex in the morning.

You wish you could wrap your arms around his slim waist while he's cooking breakfast. You wish you could hear the kids running down the stairs and yelling "good morning". You wish everyone was sitting around that too big table with shit-eating grins on their faces, laughter in their eyes, and jokes on their lips as they tease you to "get a room".

It's so realistic you can see it, taste it, smell it, and hear it. And it breaks your heart all over again.

But he can't do that anymore. So you get lost in the fantasies that have no hope of ever becoming real.

~_And drink a beer~_

You can see Brook with a smile the size of Titanic on his boney face- ha... skull joke. You can hear him playing that violin, and Franky playing his guitar. They're all singing; they're all happy. The kids look like nothing in life could be better than this. Is better than this.

You can see Robin smiling beautifully as she pats her large belly and converses with Nami. You see Robin with a glow that surrounds her like a cape when she looks at Franky and that at her belly. You can see Nami give the rubber idiot the same look, and then pout moodily.

You see Vivi with an engagement ring and she's finally brought Kohza to meet her other family. You see Chopper dancing on the table. You laugh boisterously because you know how Sanji will scold the adorable reindeer for doing that.

The kids are clapping to the beat and laughing with Usopp. The sharpshooter looks more grown up and happy than you've seen him in a long time. Kaya has their daughter cradled in her arms and Usopp is hugging her from behind with a gaze filled with love.

You eventually sit at the too big table to join them, and, as you turn back you see Sanji look at you the way Usopp just did with Kaya. So you do the only rational thing a man in love can do.

You move to him and you gather him in your arms. You spin him around and both of you laugh. You slow down to a halt and look up into Sanji's eyes since you're holding him off the ground.

You kiss him softly and whisper, "I love you."

_~Drink a beer,~_

It's all in your head though. It's not real and never will be. But you're okay with that. You can just sit here and dream about how things would be in a different world.

The fact that you're hungry and thirsty doesn't register. You just want to sit there and be with him; with all of them. Just like the way things used to be. You have time. No one's looking for you.

You can see Sanji hanging up the wet clothes to dry on a beautiful, sunny day in their backyard. The kids are running around playing with each other and laughing. Your heart swells at the warmth and joy of this place.

Sanji turns to smile at you and you wave from inside the house with a beer in your hand.

Sanji quit smoking when you got the kids. You think that is the cutest thing you've ever seen him do. When he did that, you walked up and said, "Looks like I owe you that reward."

You can see Robin and Franky's wedding as a distant memory as they sit at Sanji's kitchen table holding their adorable, newborn baby girl. You can see Luffy holding Nami's hand. You can see Chopper and Brook still singing and dancing merrily. You love this life.

_~Drink a beer.~_

Luffy and Nami had been married a year after that. They had four children.

You can see Sanji with white hair, and you with grey. Your kids are off adventuring with their own pirate crew now. You're not worried though. Maybe just a little bit.

You can see Sanji with his old, wrinkled skin and laughing about how they're old men now.

You two always try and keep things happy, since Franky had died of a heart attack. He'd been eighty-two. The shipwright had died in his sleep; peacefully. Robin died a month later from an aneurysm.

Their kid had left with Sanji and your kids years ago. When they'd turned twenty.

Franky and Robin were buried at the top of the pier. A tall, oak tree and a bench were there for any visitors.

Sanji died as an old man the next year at the age of sixty-seven. You don't know why. His grave is up on the pier too. Right next to Robin's. You can't live without him, though. You don't wanna try.

They say that with old couples, the kind who've been married for years- they have a true, everlasting love. One that makes them physically incapable of living without the other person. You know you and Sanji had that kind of love. You know Robin and Franky had that kind of love. You know that between all of your nakama, you all share that kind of love.

It's probably why you die a week later. Nobody knows why. You were an old man though. So long as Sanji is waiting for you, you don't care if you're dead.

God, you'd wish you'd said something.

_~Yeah~_

* * *

They found him in Sanji's house sitting at the too big table with a letter in his hands. Tear stains smudged the ink on the paper. They found him with his eyes closed and a smile on his face like he'd been thinking of something happy; like he'd been somewhere else.

They learned that you really can die of a broken heart. They buried him next to Sanji at the top of the pier and read the letter out loud during the funeral. They start by saying how he'd been missing for three days and how they'd found him.

Usopp is the one who reads the letter. His voice stumbles and cracks and tears are pouring down his face, but this is important so he reads on.

"... _**'I don't know why I'm writing this in a letter I have no intention of sending, but maybe I secretly hope your shitty marimo self will go digging through my shit and find this so it makes things easier on the both of us. I don't like to think of myself as a coward, but this is all your fault you shitty asexual marimo bastard. You make me a coward. Ah... Goddammit. I'm just gonna come out and say it-write it-whatever, you know what I mean. I love you, Zoro. I have for a long time. Probably since Thriller Bark. I won't write it again, asshole, so you better be reading this carefully. ... God, I hope you find this letter.'**_

"In black ink, underneath that last sentence, it says: '_**God, I wish I'd said something**_'. The- the handwriting is Zoro's."

They're all crying now. Crying and laughing because it is just so Sanji and because it's so stupidly tragic.

* * *

The pier hasn't seen life in many years now. The only person who visits it now is a woman with long, grayish, blue hair and black eyes, like her father's.

She is visiting her parents who are placed farther down than the other graves that are located closer to the edge; at the top. Her mother had wanted to be buried here no matter what.

The woman starts at the grave at the top farthest to the left. It's a memorial with five names engraved on it. She bows deeply, and then moves to the second grave. Sanji, it read. She bowed again. The third grave at the top read Roronoa Zoro. She bowed. The fourth, and final, grave at the top of the pier read Brook. She bowed once more.

The two graves below the four were her parents. Vivi and Kohza Nefertari. She smiled warmly and then left the sad, sad gravesite.

They'd all died within a year of each other, according to rumors. The woman thought about how nice it'd be to love so many people like that, that you just couldn't live without them.

The woman walked into the cozy cottage at the bottom of the hill, grabbed a bottle from the fridge and popped the cap off of it. She sat down on the worn couch and drank a beer.

* * *

**A/N: Well. if that wasn't the single most angstiest thing I've ever written i don't know what is. This fic literally had me tearing up a few times as I wrote it. the saddest thing about it is that it'd probably happen in a way like this too.**

**for some reason a lot of things were deleted so I'm just gonna re-upload it cuz all the mistakes are buggin me :p**


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